Rainy painy day

It's a beautiful day, the rain is pouring, there's mist in the atmosphere and I'm listening to some cool soft music to go with the atmospheric mood.  I am feeling this mood and vibe only that I'm a bit troubled emotionally. I suffer from a disease of relational repetition. That simply means I have difficulties in accepting what is and I get stuck on the way. If anything reminds me of whatever tragedy I've come across then I regress and react without thinking. That affects my life and my relationships.

I am the kind of person that doesn't realise what they have until it's gone. I have a tendency of taking advantage of the love people have for me. I've been told that I'm selfish and I never listen because I always think people are selfish towards me. I am very impulsive and sometimes speak without listening. I am such an insecure person and I know I'm going to lose people with my insecurities and over thinking but I never stop. I make progress but go back again to the same thing that makes me lose people I love. 

I cried so much this morning. I don't think I've ever cried that way before in my life. I lost the love of my love. I said something I wasn't meant to say and I've said that thing countless of times in different but similar situations and he relapsed, he just couldn't take it anymore. We parted ways yesterday but the more I thought about being without him I died a slow and painful death inside. It wasn't even 24hrs but I was hurting badly.  

I talked to him and begged him to take me back and he said we'll talk about it but I wasn't ready to spend all those hours waiting for knock off time only to hear that he really is over me. I asked and asked and I begged until he eventually said we'll work on our relationship. I have a feeling this is over for good and I don't know how my life will turn out without him.  He's the love of my life and I doubt if a love like this ever comes again a second time.

We're gonna heal. We're gonna start again.

All Night is the best song ever on the Lemonade album. Well, my favourite song. I just love how Beyoncé tells the story of infidelity throughout the album. How it started, how she felt, how she dealt with it, and finally how she and her husband are travelling this road to healing.

Every time I listen to the album, I feel like I am reading a book somewhere quiet with no disturbance. This is like a novel that takes you through to all the emotional rollercoaster of a relationship, the ups and downs, the sad and happy moments, and the “we’ve make it” stage. I have never felt so personal with an album before and every time I hear it, I discover something new. I always get epiphanies.

When you are in love with someone and the connection is deep, it doesn’t come easy for you to leave them because of cheating. Especially if it was just that one time.  What keeps one staying in the relationship is when the partner works hard towards making things better after what they did. The journey to forgiveness becomes a learning curve that both parties journey into to making things go back to normal and usually that time becomes more beautiful than before.

This paragraph right here sums up everything:

My grandma said "Nothing real can be threatened." True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption and my torturers became my remedy. So we're gonna heal. We're gonna start again. You've brought the orchestra, synchronized swimmers. You're the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot. The audience applauds ... but we can't hear them.

If this is not magical, then I don’t know what is. 

Prayer on my Birthday - 29 November

The aim for this blog was to post it on my birthday but it didn't turn out that way. But it's only fair that I post it because I wrote it.

Thank you God for this day.
I feel so blessed to have seen yet another day.
It's not like any other day, it is my birthday, my special day!
I have seen  and heard so many things but there's nothing like you.
There is nothing like your presence in my life.
I wake up every day to a beautiful life that you blessed me with.
I wake up to the revelation of your greatness.
I have no problem hard to handle.
I have food with the ones I love.
I always celebrate my birthday with the people I love.
I celebrate it with you.
I appreciate everything you have done for me
I appreciate everything you do for me.
Although I have days when I feel down and sometimes dislike things around me
I never forget to say Thank YOU!
I thanked you yesterday,
I thank you today
And, will thank you forever.
Happy Birthday to me!

Sello Maake Ka-Ncube on Zaziwa SABC 1

I love TV and I often don't get an opportunity to watch it because of my son the dictator! He just wants cartoons, cartoons and more cartoons! If it’s not my son, then it’s my mom who wants to watch soapies (Skeem Saam, Generations, Isibaya. etc.). If it’s not her, then my dad wants parliament or the news. I am the only one in that house who doesn't have any television privilege. Anyways, when I do watch TV, I have to convince the “TV owners” first. But, luckily for Zaziwa on SABC 1 with the beautiful Pearl Modiadie, I don’t have to beg, I ask nicely with the remote already on my hands and no one objects. In fact, we all look forward to watching the person being interviewed. 

Unfortunately, for this episode ZAZIWA SEASON 4 SELLO MAAKE KANCUBE, I couldn't watch it at home because I was making a wig for my client. I watched it on YouTube and my heart was filled with joy! I grew up under Sello Maake Ka-Ncube, almost all South Africans did. Who doesn’t know Archie Moroka? Every woman wanted a husband like him when he was on Generations. Now he makes us laugh on the series The Queen on Mzansi Magic with his gay character Kgosi. Listening to him telling his story was amazing, all I could hear was wisdom. He is a wise man! 

In fact, when listening to these people's stories on Zaziwa one gets a different perspective about them and it eliminates assumptions.

I got an epiphany when he spoke about his past son. He mentioned that his son said he would never have a child until he was married. He explained, “One of the things we don't realise is that we think marriage is the ring and the ceremony, that's not marriage that is just a ceremony. Marriage is when a sperm and an egg meet. Because that, no man can put asunder. Only death will.” I never thought of it that way and it made so much sense.

I really loved this episode, it was full of life! Sello Maake Ka-Ncube is living proof that dreams do come true, they can be maintained and celebrated. He started at 15 and he’s now 56. The message here is, “If you love it, don’t give up on it.” 

Vangile Gantsho - Finally

I feel so emotional, so emotional because I finally found the name of one of my favourite poets in South Africa and I've wondered all these years who her name was. I heard her once reciting a poem about broken promises and I was hooked!

"I promise, please believe...
Cross my heart and hope to die
Stick a needle in my eye
I'll carve it out your chest (Not sure about this part but...I tried)
Shhhh...you're forever mine."

I just remember her saying she was "Mahogany Queen" and I thought ag Google will help me find her. That was in 2009. Today is 2016 and 7 years down the line that's when I find her name Vangile Gantsho. I never would've guessed that name but anyways I am very happy! Delighted! I just love her. Vangile Gantsho at POETRY AFRICA 2014

Thanks to Poetry Africa

You only need 15 minutes - Say Yes - Shonda Rhimes

I see myself in Shoda Rhimes. I see myself in a lot of women and I have a disease of self-double which I try to fight every day. It creeps in most of the time nd I battle with it very much. But, today I found a solution. Its called 15 minutes to listen to yourself. I've listened to Shonda Rhime's TED Talk before but as I listen to it again today, I realise that I was listening but didn't really hear what she was saying.

I listen to a lot of motivational talks and I like to write about them because they make a huge difference in my life. My approach in life changes daily. As I was listening to this TED Talk today I hear half of the talk and start writing this blog. I'm listening and I say to myself, "I need that hum she's talking about." She has a spiritual space she goes to when she works and its God whispering to her she says during that time of spirituality. I know anyone can get a hum but how? Where do I get the hum from? I also want to say about my work, "When I am hard at work, when I am deep in it, there is no other feeling." I need that hum.

And later when she explains what a hum is. I'm like but I have that hum, I just need to access it. She says the real hum is love. The real hum is joy. I was enlightened at that moment, I got goose bums as I thought to myself, "I have love surrounding me. What do I want?"  I just came to a conclusion that you can have love but the important thing about love is how best you use it to give you joy, the real hum.

Shonda says, to get to the real hum you must have an uninterrupted time with your loved ones. Go to a place that feels good in your life. The hum only takes 15 minutes.
I only need 15 minutes to give time to myself and another 15 minutes to my son, and another to my family. Ok, its a lot of 15 minutes but it's going to make a difference. I'm am starting today. I'm going to dedicate 15 minutes to myself, I too want to be intouch with the spiritual realm and I can only do that when I listen. I need to hear the Most High's whispers.

I'm sad - I didn't get the scholarship

I just wanted to cry after I had received this email. I applied for a scholarship to study Performance and Theatre at Wits University. So, this has always been my dream to study drama and graduate at a university. I wanted to study something I love and I thought this was my second chance in life to do this. I could've studied just after matric but my results were not good enough for a university entrance. I thought this was made for me. I applied, I went for an audition and I did great. But as I thought about what would happen when I got the scholarship, I kinda didn't want it yet. I thought I needed to sort out my finances first and then get an acting job to pay the bills. I then thought, no God will provide. I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. I really wanted this scholarship, on the other hand, I wanted to do drama part time so that I could take care of my family with the money I earn. I think I might have jinxed it for myself, I don't know. I just believe in the law of attraction and I believe I attracted this disappointing email with my thoughts. I'm just sad.