Rainy painy day

It's a beautiful day, the rain is pouring, there's mist in the atmosphere and I'm listening to some cool soft music to go with the atmospheric mood.  I am feeling this mood and vibe only that I'm a bit troubled emotionally. I suffer from a disease of relational repetition. That simply means I have difficulties in accepting what is and I get stuck on the way. If anything reminds me of whatever tragedy I've come across then I regress and react without thinking. That affects my life and my relationships.

I am the kind of person that doesn't realise what they have until it's gone. I have a tendency of taking advantage of the love people have for me. I've been told that I'm selfish and I never listen because I always think people are selfish towards me. I am very impulsive and sometimes speak without listening. I am such an insecure person and I know I'm going to lose people with my insecurities and over thinking but I never stop. I make progress but go back again to the same thing that makes me lose people I love. 

I cried so much this morning. I don't think I've ever cried that way before in my life. I lost the love of my love. I said something I wasn't meant to say and I've said that thing countless of times in different but similar situations and he relapsed, he just couldn't take it anymore. We parted ways yesterday but the more I thought about being without him I died a slow and painful death inside. It wasn't even 24hrs but I was hurting badly.  

I talked to him and begged him to take me back and he said we'll talk about it but I wasn't ready to spend all those hours waiting for knock off time only to hear that he really is over me. I asked and asked and I begged until he eventually said we'll work on our relationship. I have a feeling this is over for good and I don't know how my life will turn out without him.  He's the love of my life and I doubt if a love like this ever comes again a second time.