I'm sad - I didn't get the scholarship

I just wanted to cry after I had received this email. I applied for a scholarship to study Performance and Theatre at Wits University. So, this has always been my dream to study drama and graduate at a university. I wanted to study something I love and I thought this was my second chance in life to do this. I could've studied just after matric but my results were not good enough for a university entrance. I thought this was made for me. I applied, I went for an audition and I did great. But as I thought about what would happen when I got the scholarship, I kinda didn't want it yet. I thought I needed to sort out my finances first and then get an acting job to pay the bills. I then thought, no God will provide. I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. I really wanted this scholarship, on the other hand, I wanted to do drama part time so that I could take care of my family with the money I earn. I think I might have jinxed it for myself, I don't know. I just believe in the law of attraction and I believe I attracted this disappointing email with my thoughts. I'm just sad.

Life's meaning

Sometimes we search for meaning in our lives and find ourselves miserable at the fact that we don't even really know the answer to that question. We don't know what our purpose is in life. What do we want here? We study, work and in most cases think our jobs are our passion. Because a job paid the bill we are enclosed in that notion and don't realise that we can achieve greatness. The companies we work for, were also ideas at some point. We always have a voice telling reminding us about our love for something, for me its performing arts and each day something says to me "You are a performer, when are you going to follow that?" "But I can't" I answer.  "I earn a salary, I have things to pay, if I leave my job and pursue this, how will I survive?" I wonder. You see...by just that thinking that, I have already blocked myself.

We postpone our dreams and then later, just when we are about to die we regret not taking risks to do what we really wanted to do. I am that one person who knows that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I have doubts and I'm dependent on my job that I can't just leave. But you know...doubt is the enemy of progress...trust me.

The reason I am writing this blog is that I saw this lady Phindi Mtyingizane and I thought WOW! Power to natural beauty, power to women empowerment, power to such shows and power to doing what empowers individuals. I'm just inspired.

I don't watch TV as much as I used to since my son took over...So, when I saw 100% Youth on SABC 1 I just felt touched in the heart. Every time I watch the show a question pops out of my mind..."What are you doing?" I am capable and I see these young brilliant people doing these amazing things and I think to myself. "Nothing, I'm just employed" I was inspired to do something for myself. I set a goal and its deadline. Should I not do it the I'm useless and should never write anything about doing something for myself.
The message I got from that episode was that God gave up gifts and talents and what we do with them is up to us.

What are you doing?

Ok I've gained weight...I know! You don't have to shout and tell me about it.

Today there's a lady that said to me "You are full. Can you see that?" It's even nice in English in Setswana she said "O tletse wa ipona?" I just responded "It's because I'm happy." and honestly, I wasn't happy to say that. I just wanted to be rude but let it go.

This lady is much bigger than me but had the audacity to comment about my weight. Like I don't already  know that I've gained weight! She didn't even greet me...Or tell me my dress was nice or my haircut suits me...Or even say she hasn't seen me in a while. And the first thing she comments about is my weight! I'm just frustrated with people commenting about my weight all the time. And funny, no women likes the "fat comment" she herself wouldn't like it if I had said that to her.

Weight is a big issue for a lot of women in the world and it becomes an even bigger problem when women get attacks from other women. It's not nice guys!

So, I started gaining weight a year ago and ever since then, every time I meet people who haven't seen me for as long as they haven't, they tell me about my weight. I really am sick about it. Sometimes when I think I won't give a toss about what people say I end up getting angry because I'm working hard to lose the weight I've gained and It's hard!

These comments have affected me to a point that I've stopped walking around the business park. I've stopped buying food from the cafeteria and I knock off late when people have left because I'm trying to avoid the same comment every day. There was a pregnancy rumour going on around the park and it wasn't nice.

Sometimes you don't realise how your comments affect a person's mood and self-esteem. They are really nasty people!
Ok I've gained weight...I know! You don't have to shout and tell me about it. I'm already struggling with losing it!

I'm just at a point where I'll be rude when people are rude to me. If I'm rude to you when you comment about my weight please don't feel offended because what you think is just a comment or an ice breaker is actually a confidence breaker. I'm not about that business... I'm even losing my social life because I'm tryna avoid your fat comments...Just shut up if you have nothing nice to say.

Oprah Winfrey - Stop wasting time!

THE ONE THING OPRAH WANTS YOU TO DO

Once in a while, I listen to Oprah's wisdom talks and they get me back on track when I move in the wrong direction.  I sometimes lose it and waste time, I am very good at procrastinating and I am not saying it with pride. I get distracted and I struggle to keep up.  I watched this video on my procrastination mode and I said "STOP WASTING TIME" It came at the right time when I was indeed wasting time. This video was just a reminder to me. I have wasted time that I will never regain. It's hard sometimes to do things according to plan when they get distracted by unplanned staff which takes up a lot of time.  I have been preoccupied and I need to go back. I need to live my life and do the good that I have come to do. This talk is speaking to me and I need not waste any more time. Let me just be myself!  

Phenomenal Woman - Maya Angelou

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size 
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips, 
The stride of my step, 
The curl of my lips. 
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, 
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please, 
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees. 
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees. 
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes, 
And the flash of my teeth, 
The swing in my waist, 
And the joy in my feet. 
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered 
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them, 
They say they still can't see. 
I say,
It's in the arch of my back, 
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed. 
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud. 
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels, 
The bend of my hair, 
The palm of my hand, 
The need for my care. 
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
—Maya Angelou

How to Know When You've Found Your Purpose in Life

I love listening to Oprah while working and today was no different. I was listening to a conference she had and she was there to inspire young people who are still searching for meaning in their lives. As someone who knows what she wants I sometimes fear the things I think about...I wonder how I am going to handle all of them but people like Oprah Winfrey just give one hope. Its like they are standing right next to you, saying..."You can do it." So, as I was watching this inspirational video she shares a story of a woman she had an interview with and the lady said, "When you betray yourself, you are no different to the person that hurt you." I was like wow! We need these words in our lives. Sometimes we blame people for our own betrayals.

I am Paballo Seipei, today I was just mind opened by Oprah's talk.

Gratitude is the way of life

Kgololoseo Phiri & Paballo Seipei

I just experienced a life enhancing experience. I had a conversation with my boyfriend about the future. And two days before this conversation I downloaded Oprah Winfrey’s lecture at Standford University which talks about spirituality, love and fulfilment. In this lecture she makes the students meditate and I also meditated. The thing that was meditated upon was life and the power within us. It was a meditation about the gratitude of life. Being grateful for every breath we take, being grateful for every experience and being grateful for an opportunity to change for the better.  As I was typing this, she was playing in the background and she was saying, “I have chosen love.” I typed it because what she was saying was what my boyfriend and I were talking about. We both chose love. Then I heard, “The kind of love that counts.” This love we have counts. This love says “I am here for you no matter what.” I suddenly realised that God was speaking to me through that lecture. I had an “Aha moment” thereafter. Downloading this lecture was like a preparation for the future, the future that my boyfriend and I talk about lately. God spoke to me and I listened. God is love and we chose love. That was the reason why that video found me.

The message I was left with was: “To master the power of your field you must consistently chose love, live in the space of gratitude and know that the power you feel from time to time comes from a source that is greater than yourself.”

I am Paballo Seipei and I believe in the supernatural power within me. Thank you God.