Waking up at 03:20 am

Selfies with my family.

I met death at dawn. It had taken my mother away from us...
I had a terrible dream. The dream felt real. I was sad and everyone around me could see that I was saddened by the whole thing but I was frustrated in that dream. People couldn't understand why I cried the way I did. I couldn't accept the situation because to me when death arrives in the family it should give us signs, signs that we can contemplate on after the funeral. That's the time when we sit down  and remember the moments we had with the deceased. It is during that time when we are able to point out certain things that gives us hints of the manner in which the person died, what their last words were and their behavior in general.   In that dream, I remember saying that there were no signs, there was nothing that my mom did or said that we could look back at and say, "yeah she was prepared to go." I couldn't heal in that dream, I failed to understand why she died the way she did, without hints.  I was left in the dark, saddened. In the last part of the dream, I thought of my dad, Pawe I asked someone if he had seen him and I was told he was doing laundry. He was with my son, like always. He was hiding away from me because he couldn't stand looking at me. We were both sad and I said to him, "Pawe, pelo yaka e botlhoko. (My heart is sore)." He held back his tears for both my and Bokkie's sake. Then said, "Let me get you pain killers."

My beautiful Family, i just had to capture this moment.

I woke up from that dream and tears were still on my eyes,  i continued to cry and prayed. I prayed mostly because it was a dream and I could relive my life with my loved ones. I love my parents and family but God spoke to me in that dream, it felt like he said, " Appreciate the little things in life. Love and honor your parents. I can choose to take them back to me and leave you to learn life without them. I can also keep them for you to appreciate and honor them." The dream was sad because it was about death but the beauty of it was the wisdom I got from it. There's nothing sad than wishing to tell your parents or anyone important in your life that you love them when they have departed from this world. We are all given an opportunity to change our lives and do the little things that make our loved ones feel loved. It's not about the worldly things, it's not about the gifts, it's not about the good food it's not even about showing the world that you love them by publicizing everything you do for them in the social space. However, it's about love, time and knowing how to use them both. Spending time with them, especially the parents is wisdom. Loving and honoring them is life. It is beautiful.

My family means a lot to me and I appreciate that not one of the important puzzles is missing. I thank God for the wake up call. Some don't have parents, some don't have the things that we have but do a better job than us. When Kanye West said people never get the flowers while they can still smell them. He spoke about our situations in life. Appreciation, love and respect should be what we give to our parents. There's no use buying them expensive coffins and flowers when they are dead. The opportunity is now to show them how much we care.  I know i don't give them much but I am going to try and be better than I was yesterday. 03:20 in the morning was a life changing event for me. I have learned and will keep my promise. Honoring my parents will be the order of my life until they are no more. In Jesus name Amen. 

Happy Friday

Giving some pursuit of happiness motivation

I am enjoying this Friday! I don't know if it's because i am going to an all night prayer at work or if my friend Dineo is coming or even both. My day started off with good motivation from this beautiful soul on Facebook Zanele Motaung, who saw yesterday's blog and decided to help me out. I felt productive after wards, i guess i was being hard on myself and needed a lil push in that direction. I am glad i watched those videos, i will share them soon. I can't wait for tonight...leaving you with this beautiful scripture: Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."

In desperate need of motivation

I don't know if I am the only one who suffers from fatigue as the year goes by. When the year began, I was full of energy, had plans and procedures I followed to do my duties productively both at work and at home. I was going well, woke up early, prepared the night before but then my scale of energy dropped. I am now dragging to do things. I need some kind of help to get back to where I was earlier in the year. It is really not helping, sulking and complaining about being tired and lacking motivation. I know I need to do things and if I don't I suffer the consequences...that's the only motivation I have to do most of the things. But what am i to do when I feel so fatigued? I really am in need of motivation. Paballo is in desperate need of motivation. 

Luck or hard work?

Xolani & I...beer on our hands...celebrating our jobs...did we get the jobs by hard work or luck?

My colleague and I had a nice debate about people’s achievements and how they get to the point where they can afford things such as houses, cars and other staff. He said it’s all about luck and I said its hard work. We both agreed though that for one to achieve something, one needs to move from one point to another. I made an example about both our lives. He started doing some maintenance jobs and is now doing signage jobs and studying to better his life. He decided to move from point A to B and all in the name of hard work. It wasn’t luck but mere hard work; although he wishes to win the lottery one day…I hope he gets lucky. As for me, I was lazy in high school! Had I not been lazy at that time I would have went straight to University and maybe became a Radiographer as I always wanted but I didn’t. I realised that I was brilliant when I went to college and knew that my family would depend on me once I was done with my studies, therefore I was always motivated to be the best. I passed with distinctions and those who went with me to college know that I worked very hard. Like Xolani, I too was working hard to change the situation I had at the time. 

Xolani & I at the Avon Justine Walk...finishing the race, was it hard work or luck?

So, the big question was why other people remain the same when others achieve so much. I concluded by saying it’s all about hard work. Some people come from nowhere and end up somewhere because they chose to work hard at getting there. Some people have brilliant minds but are waiting for something to come to them instead of them going to get it. Xolani said, some people are just lucky in life and it’s true but he believes that the only time a situation could change is when a situation says, “Hi I have come to rescue you.” Like when he’ll win the lottery…one day and then do certain staff. I don’t believe in that, if I want something I go get. If it has come then yay!

It’s a difficult debate to engage in because we ended up agreeing to certain staff and then disagreeing…so, I guess it’s a two way thing, some are just lucky in life and others work very hard to get to where they want to.  

Mutle Mothibe meets Justin.

In love with this...

What makes this man different?

Sybil...a lady with 13 personalities.

I was watching the movie Sybil. it’s about a woman who discovered she has at least 13 different personalities. She is basically insane, mentally disturbed. I then did some self-examination and concluded that I too have some personalities but the difference between Sybil and I is that I know of them and she didn’t. I think all of us have multiple personalities but don’t fall under the insanity branch. We react to different situations in different ways, meaning we don’t approach life the same way we did yesterday. We can cry now and then laugh seconds after that. We have the ability to change personalities just like that. The insane are similar to the sane; the difference is that the other group sees the others as insane.

Mafinzo with his green facial paint

Something triggered my mind from then. I am fascinated by mentally disturbed people, although I have agateophobia. Agateophobia is the fear of insane people. I would like to learn more on how they operate but I wouldn’t want to be in close contact with them. I am in a situation I can’t explain. I feel like they could do something bad to me and I can’t do anything about it because in their minds it’s possible that they’d think that what they were doing was sane and saw me as insane. What we deem as insane could be what they believe to be sane. 

Mafinzo with Silver facial paint

Most people from Kagiso know Mafinzo and we know him as the colourful insane citizen of our township. Mafinzo is a little different from us ….well maybe not a little different but more depending on how one sees him. He is regarded as crazy by the “normal” community, mostly because he wears differently and is fond of paint. He paints his head or face matching his shoes that look like they have a ball on top. His colours coordinate; the colour he paints on his head is the same colour he’ll paint on his shoes. His clothes are colourful and look like he enjoys the attention he gets when he walks on the streets. If you can have a conversation with him you can never tell whether he is insane or if he’s just playing with people, but then again he has been like this for years. Most of us like colour but we won’t do what he does because in our eyes, he is crazy. His “style or personality” is seen through colour. This if we put it in reality is what we call colour blocking. Everyone does it…He is passionate about colour and everyone who knows him will describe him as a colourful being. 

Mafinzo with white facial paint

I have also noticed that he talks to himself but that does no longer fit into the category of insanity. Most of us have found ourselves talking alone and immediately switching to a song when we realise that someone has seen us. I guess we the ‘sane people’ have similarities with ‘insane people’ we are just good at hiding it.  But then again, I guess insane people don’t switch their self-conversations with songs because in their world what they do is normal.

Colour blocking Mafinzo

So, what if we are all crazy but have not been diagnosed? What if insanity is the ultimate stage of freedom and we don’t know it? If I didn’t have fear of ‘insane’ people I’d probably be able to answer those questions by engaging with them. The main reason I am fascinated about them is that they do what they please and will never be questioned. Maybe for us (the ‘sane’) to achieve most things in life is to be like the ‘insane’. Live life freely, do what we want to do and don’t let anyone come between us and our goals. Who knows insanity might be the new sanity. 

Colour blocking facial paint.

First tattoo -exciting times!

It has always crossed my mind to get a tattoo but I couldn't get it because of fear of the unknown. My friend and I finally decided to get them after a long time of doubt. I was lucky to have had options when I went to the tattoo shop. The one I initially had in mind turned out to bore me and I went for the one I did. The sound of the machine just scared the hell out of me but I was never going to change my mind. It was one of the best experiences of my life...I'll probably do more...we'll see. 

My friend Kefilwe Moadi did a cute dove on her wrist and I did a ribbon on my back. The dove symbolizes her late brother Khutso meaning peace...she is in a state of peace and did the tattoo in remembrance of him.

Well as for me my ribbon symbolizes a lot of things but the one thing i want to share is that I've realized that I can't treasure my achievements in a box but the ribbon on my back is something that will represent the sealing of every achievement in a treasury box (my heart).

If it was possible I would tie them all and put them in a sacred place with beautiful glowing ribbons but I can't, so I've decided to have this as an alternative. I've achieved and I am on a journey to achieve more, therefore I have a sacred place stored with beautiful wrapped achievements that are yet to be discovered. Something has been ticked of my bucket list, this too shall be sealed with a beautiful ribbon and be stored. Such is life :-) and should be lived.