We're gonna heal. We're gonna start again.

All Night is the best song ever on the Lemonade album. Well, my favourite song. I just love how Beyoncé tells the story of infidelity throughout the album. How it started, how she felt, how she dealt with it, and finally how she and her husband are travelling this road to healing.

Every time I listen to the album, I feel like I am reading a book somewhere quiet with no disturbance. This is like a novel that takes you through to all the emotional rollercoaster of a relationship, the ups and downs, the sad and happy moments, and the “we’ve make it” stage. I have never felt so personal with an album before and every time I hear it, I discover something new. I always get epiphanies.

When you are in love with someone and the connection is deep, it doesn’t come easy for you to leave them because of cheating. Especially if it was just that one time.  What keeps one staying in the relationship is when the partner works hard towards making things better after what they did. The journey to forgiveness becomes a learning curve that both parties journey into to making things go back to normal and usually that time becomes more beautiful than before.

This paragraph right here sums up everything:

My grandma said "Nothing real can be threatened." True love brought salvation back into me. With every tear came redemption and my torturers became my remedy. So we're gonna heal. We're gonna start again. You've brought the orchestra, synchronized swimmers. You're the magician. Pull me back together again, the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear. Pull the sorrow from between my legs like silk. Knot after knot after knot. The audience applauds ... but we can't hear them.

If this is not magical, then I don’t know what is. 

Prayer on my Birthday - 29 November

The aim for this blog was to post it on my birthday but it didn't turn out that way. But it's only fair that I post it because I wrote it.

Thank you God for this day.
I feel so blessed to have seen yet another day.
It's not like any other day, it is my birthday, my special day!
I have seen  and heard so many things but there's nothing like you.
There is nothing like your presence in my life.
I wake up every day to a beautiful life that you blessed me with.
I wake up to the revelation of your greatness.
I have no problem hard to handle.
I have food with the ones I love.
I always celebrate my birthday with the people I love.
I celebrate it with you.
I appreciate everything you have done for me
I appreciate everything you do for me.
Although I have days when I feel down and sometimes dislike things around me
I never forget to say Thank YOU!
I thanked you yesterday,
I thank you today
And, will thank you forever.
Happy Birthday to me!

Sello Maake Ka-Ncube on Zaziwa SABC 1

I love TV and I often don't get an opportunity to watch it because of my son the dictator! He just wants cartoons, cartoons and more cartoons! If it’s not my son, then it’s my mom who wants to watch soapies (Skeem Saam, Generations, Isibaya. etc.). If it’s not her, then my dad wants parliament or the news. I am the only one in that house who doesn't have any television privilege. Anyways, when I do watch TV, I have to convince the “TV owners” first. But, luckily for Zaziwa on SABC 1 with the beautiful Pearl Modiadie, I don’t have to beg, I ask nicely with the remote already on my hands and no one objects. In fact, we all look forward to watching the person being interviewed. 

Unfortunately, for this episode ZAZIWA SEASON 4 SELLO MAAKE KANCUBE, I couldn't watch it at home because I was making a wig for my client. I watched it on YouTube and my heart was filled with joy! I grew up under Sello Maake Ka-Ncube, almost all South Africans did. Who doesn’t know Archie Moroka? Every woman wanted a husband like him when he was on Generations. Now he makes us laugh on the series The Queen on Mzansi Magic with his gay character Kgosi. Listening to him telling his story was amazing, all I could hear was wisdom. He is a wise man! 

In fact, when listening to these people's stories on Zaziwa one gets a different perspective about them and it eliminates assumptions.

I got an epiphany when he spoke about his past son. He mentioned that his son said he would never have a child until he was married. He explained, “One of the things we don't realise is that we think marriage is the ring and the ceremony, that's not marriage that is just a ceremony. Marriage is when a sperm and an egg meet. Because that, no man can put asunder. Only death will.” I never thought of it that way and it made so much sense.

I really loved this episode, it was full of life! Sello Maake Ka-Ncube is living proof that dreams do come true, they can be maintained and celebrated. He started at 15 and he’s now 56. The message here is, “If you love it, don’t give up on it.” 

Vangile Gantsho - Finally

I feel so emotional, so emotional because I finally found the name of one of my favourite poets in South Africa and I've wondered all these years who her name was. I heard her once reciting a poem about broken promises and I was hooked!

"I promise, please believe...
Cross my heart and hope to die
Stick a needle in my eye
I'll carve it out your chest (Not sure about this part but...I tried)
Shhhh...you're forever mine."

I just remember her saying she was "Mahogany Queen" and I thought ag Google will help me find her. That was in 2009. Today is 2016 and 7 years down the line that's when I find her name Vangile Gantsho. I never would've guessed that name but anyways I am very happy! Delighted! I just love her. Vangile Gantsho at POETRY AFRICA 2014

Thanks to Poetry Africa

You only need 15 minutes - Say Yes - Shonda Rhimes

I see myself in Shoda Rhimes. I see myself in a lot of women and I have a disease of self-double which I try to fight every day. It creeps in most of the time nd I battle with it very much. But, today I found a solution. Its called 15 minutes to listen to yourself. I've listened to Shonda Rhime's TED Talk before but as I listen to it again today, I realise that I was listening but didn't really hear what she was saying.

I listen to a lot of motivational talks and I like to write about them because they make a huge difference in my life. My approach in life changes daily. As I was listening to this TED Talk today I hear half of the talk and start writing this blog. I'm listening and I say to myself, "I need that hum she's talking about." She has a spiritual space she goes to when she works and its God whispering to her she says during that time of spirituality. I know anyone can get a hum but how? Where do I get the hum from? I also want to say about my work, "When I am hard at work, when I am deep in it, there is no other feeling." I need that hum.

And later when she explains what a hum is. I'm like but I have that hum, I just need to access it. She says the real hum is love. The real hum is joy. I was enlightened at that moment, I got goose bums as I thought to myself, "I have love surrounding me. What do I want?"  I just came to a conclusion that you can have love but the important thing about love is how best you use it to give you joy, the real hum.

Shonda says, to get to the real hum you must have an uninterrupted time with your loved ones. Go to a place that feels good in your life. The hum only takes 15 minutes.
I only need 15 minutes to give time to myself and another 15 minutes to my son, and another to my family. Ok, its a lot of 15 minutes but it's going to make a difference. I'm am starting today. I'm going to dedicate 15 minutes to myself, I too want to be intouch with the spiritual realm and I can only do that when I listen. I need to hear the Most High's whispers.

I'm sad - I didn't get the scholarship

I just wanted to cry after I had received this email. I applied for a scholarship to study Performance and Theatre at Wits University. So, this has always been my dream to study drama and graduate at a university. I wanted to study something I love and I thought this was my second chance in life to do this. I could've studied just after matric but my results were not good enough for a university entrance. I thought this was made for me. I applied, I went for an audition and I did great. But as I thought about what would happen when I got the scholarship, I kinda didn't want it yet. I thought I needed to sort out my finances first and then get an acting job to pay the bills. I then thought, no God will provide. I had mixed emotions about the whole thing. I really wanted this scholarship, on the other hand, I wanted to do drama part time so that I could take care of my family with the money I earn. I think I might have jinxed it for myself, I don't know. I just believe in the law of attraction and I believe I attracted this disappointing email with my thoughts. I'm just sad.

Life's meaning

Sometimes we search for meaning in our lives and find ourselves miserable at the fact that we don't even really know the answer to that question. We don't know what our purpose is in life. What do we want here? We study, work and in most cases think our jobs are our passion. Because a job paid the bill we are enclosed in that notion and don't realise that we can achieve greatness. The companies we work for, were also ideas at some point. We always have a voice telling reminding us about our love for something, for me its performing arts and each day something says to me "You are a performer, when are you going to follow that?" "But I can't" I answer.  "I earn a salary, I have things to pay, if I leave my job and pursue this, how will I survive?" I wonder. You see...by just that thinking that, I have already blocked myself.

We postpone our dreams and then later, just when we are about to die we regret not taking risks to do what we really wanted to do. I am that one person who knows that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I have doubts and I'm dependent on my job that I can't just leave. But you know...doubt is the enemy of progress...trust me.

The reason I am writing this blog is that I saw this lady Phindi Mtyingizane and I thought WOW! Power to natural beauty, power to women empowerment, power to such shows and power to doing what empowers individuals. I'm just inspired.

I don't watch TV as much as I used to since my son took over...So, when I saw 100% Youth on SABC 1 I just felt touched in the heart. Every time I watch the show a question pops out of my mind..."What are you doing?" I am capable and I see these young brilliant people doing these amazing things and I think to myself. "Nothing, I'm just employed" I was inspired to do something for myself. I set a goal and its deadline. Should I not do it the I'm useless and should never write anything about doing something for myself.
The message I got from that episode was that God gave up gifts and talents and what we do with them is up to us.

What are you doing?

Ok I've gained weight...I know! You don't have to shout and tell me about it.

Today there's a lady that said to me "You are full. Can you see that?" It's even nice in English in Setswana she said "O tletse wa ipona?" I just responded "It's because I'm happy." and honestly, I wasn't happy to say that. I just wanted to be rude but let it go.

This lady is much bigger than me but had the audacity to comment about my weight. Like I don't already  know that I've gained weight! She didn't even greet me...Or tell me my dress was nice or my haircut suits me...Or even say she hasn't seen me in a while. And the first thing she comments about is my weight! I'm just frustrated with people commenting about my weight all the time. And funny, no women likes the "fat comment" she herself wouldn't like it if I had said that to her.

Weight is a big issue for a lot of women in the world and it becomes an even bigger problem when women get attacks from other women. It's not nice guys!

So, I started gaining weight a year ago and ever since then, every time I meet people who haven't seen me for as long as they haven't, they tell me about my weight. I really am sick about it. Sometimes when I think I won't give a toss about what people say I end up getting angry because I'm working hard to lose the weight I've gained and It's hard!

These comments have affected me to a point that I've stopped walking around the business park. I've stopped buying food from the cafeteria and I knock off late when people have left because I'm trying to avoid the same comment every day. There was a pregnancy rumour going on around the park and it wasn't nice.

Sometimes you don't realise how your comments affect a person's mood and self-esteem. They are really nasty people!
Ok I've gained weight...I know! You don't have to shout and tell me about it. I'm already struggling with losing it!

I'm just at a point where I'll be rude when people are rude to me. If I'm rude to you when you comment about my weight please don't feel offended because what you think is just a comment or an ice breaker is actually a confidence breaker. I'm not about that business... I'm even losing my social life because I'm tryna avoid your fat comments...Just shut up if you have nothing nice to say.

Oprah Winfrey - Stop wasting time!

THE ONE THING OPRAH WANTS YOU TO DO

Once in a while, I listen to Oprah's wisdom talks and they get me back on track when I move in the wrong direction.  I sometimes lose it and waste time, I am very good at procrastinating and I am not saying it with pride. I get distracted and I struggle to keep up.  I watched this video on my procrastination mode and I said "STOP WASTING TIME" It came at the right time when I was indeed wasting time. This video was just a reminder to me. I have wasted time that I will never regain. It's hard sometimes to do things according to plan when they get distracted by unplanned staff which takes up a lot of time.  I have been preoccupied and I need to go back. I need to live my life and do the good that I have come to do. This talk is speaking to me and I need not waste any more time. Let me just be myself!