Men issues!

“Black men could learn a lot from white men....family values, respect & love for their women, growth & commitment. Ya'll are still in the dark hey. #shame”

This is the status I had on Facebook. Boy it coursed a stir. I've opened a can of worms with it. However, I will never take back what I said because I wrote that status based on an experience and a status on Facebook that triggered my mind. This guy, black guy said, “Never try to impress a woman because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life!!!” I thought to myself, wow this is what normally happens in most of our relationships. A guy will make an impression, call you every day, send you sms’s, tell you he loves you and be there for you whenever you need him to….That is until he finally gets you as his girlfriend and then forgets about doing what he used to do before he got you. I’ve had that experience and he said, “Why must I call you every day?” the same guy who used to call three to four times a day when he wanted me. “Why should I tell you I love you, can’t you see I do?” he asked. The same guy, who really boasted about not being shy to tell his girl; he loves her unlike ‘these’ other guys. 

I expected the ladies to like that status because most of them know what I am talking about and I thought, the men who have a guilty conscience will comment and make it a racial issue and they did. I wasn’t talking about the history behind the black and white people but I was talking about what I have witnessed. These are the stories I have come across with my fellow African men:

Take a man with old kids, has been married for over 20 years and is respected by the community, mostly because he is a preacher of the word of God. He goes after young women at his church, and claims to be in love with them, then uses God’s word to his advantage by saying, “God said we should love one another. Therefore I love you” The same guy wants these things to be done underground, ”Please delete our chats.” He even gets very furious when any of the girls asks about his wife, something like. “Why do you want to do this to your wife?” He’ll answer, “Keep my wife out of this and don’t say anything to her.” 

Is this respect and love for his wife?

“We have a bright future together, I want to share it with no one but you.  We will raise our kids together with love, loyalty and respect. I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he claimed. Next thing you know, he had a baby with her and then denied to ever been in contact with a “slut” like her. After some time, he came back with money for an abortion. Took her to lunch, then said, “I can’t have this baby. I have a future to focus on. I hope you understand.” The same guy who promised to share a future with her.

Is this commitment and family value?

This guy, proposed to this lady. He promised to be there for her, stay faithful, run his family like a real man should and vowed that he will never cheat on her, like ‘these other selfish guys do’, he said. This guy after having a wedding of which he even wrote his own vows, and claimed, “I will never do you any wrong.” He then went after a younger lady he saw at their work’s Christmas party and wanted them to have a naughty thing going on. “I gave my wife marriage. Now it’s time to play” After doing those vows, he does the complete opposite of what he said he’ll do. "I am an MBA" (Married but Available) he'd tell young girls.

Do we call this respect and love for his woman?

This guy has been together with this lady since she was in high school. He was like the first official boyfriend and their love grew stronger. The lady avoided any fights, took the blame for his wrong doings and never tried to make him angry. She saw pictures of his ex on his phone. They took pictures together and she was searching for them. She never said anything. The guy then started a habit of not replying to her sms’s, her calls would be returned the following day. He would go to places and have fun with other women and his group of friends. She would always be left home. She was never introduced to any of his friends or family members. One day, she saw his chats and pictures of other women on his phone and laptop. He justified by saying, “you were not there when I was with the guys and they had women with them. I had to have someone” He then kept on denying most of the things he did to her.

Is this growth or set back in a relationship?

This was a good man to this lady. He did everything for her. Cleaned, transported her, cooked and showed love to her kids. There was no day when he didn’t tell her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. He was always around and very supportive. The only problem about him was that, he had a wife and kids at home, went to the city for a job and the job was the girlfriend he stayed with. She gave him money and found him a job.  A few months later of this love affair, the lady lost her job and the guy faded into thin air. Everything about him came out. He didn't love her, he loved her money.

Is this the man we want?

The list is endless… 

Don’t get me wrong fellow African men. I wasn’t saying white men are better than ya’ll. I just said you can learn a thing a two from them. I have seen committed white guys, who sacrifice a lot for their families and I’m not saying they don’t cheat or do wrong. They do, they are human after all but they value family very much which is what is important to me. I’m not dating a white guy, I am with a black man who has made mistakes and is learning from them. He is not perfect but values family that is important. Do not politicize this. It’s my opinion, deal with it.

Paballo's deal with it face